you mad?

octopus

men are not dogs they are octopi. they move like they have a million hands and shoot ink

who approved this?

so i  saw Just Wright today for the first time today and i just wanna know who decided this was a good idea? this movie is beyond turrible. like queen latifah in these matronly outfits with these white ass reeboks? she is gorgeous and dressing her like grandmas hand is a no go. to add insult to injury her weave wasnt even blended! its funny that brown sugar is on right now too because she looked much better in that movie. and why do they keep showing commons feet? that is a beautiful man who needs to be added to my list of possible baby daddies but his feet look like he ran from Mississippi to freedom barefoot. pam grier who the definition of a bad old bitty is only in here for like 43 seconds. i love that my grandma in my head phylicia rashad is in here though. paula patton...honestly im always underwhelmed by her acting abilities but she played the role of a beautiful gold digger well enough.the least realistic part though was her letting scott go with leslie. any

overall the story was pretty predictable and im not sure if it was supposed to be funny or not because it def wasn't. its better than tyler perry's coonery, but still isn't going to help gain any great strides for blacks in Hollywood.

daily dose of ignorance

it is my job to report and expose all forms of ridiculousness and this.............you black women smh im declaring myself brazilian

random cuteness

put some south in your mouth

i think that by now everyone knows that the most disrespectful possible music comes out of the southern region of this country. i think Florida and Louisiana are the worst but i could be wrong. the harshest is often the underground stuff you wont usually hear north of the mason dixon and never on the radio. this is just a sample of some of the fuckery that black scholars speak out against but we always manage to shake something to in the club.

• she rode dat dick like a soulja- dj ray ray. pretty much any new orleans bounce you find is gonna be ratchet as hell
• dont hide that pussy- dj unk
• anything by sissy nobby- its new orleans bounce at its finest. not really disrespectful but the dances that go with it would make a stripper blush
• violate that bitch- lil b yes i know hes from cali but this is def worthy of this list
• and they dykin- lil boosie (free boosie....naw nevermind keep him in jail he deserves it)
• hoochie mama- 2 live crew ok any and every 2 live crew song could be on this list. the fathers of miami bass sound. the original travis porter
• bust that pussy open- lil will
• dirty booty-t real
• homegurl- bone
• twerk dat ass-project pat
• work that monkey-kstylis
• slob on my knob- three six mafia
• tippin on my dick- go go power rangers. i think this is from cali but either way....you get the picture
• all plies songs

i know i missed A LOT of songs but there are just way too many

great moments in black history

on Wednesday, March 23, 2011 Popeyes all across the country offered a special just for that day. 8 pieces for $4.99  Colored folk everywhere rejoiced the lines were long and the fried deliciousness was plentiful. this is a day that will be remembered for many generations to come. this is what martin fought for, what malcolm died for. obama approved this. epic moments like this date back to harriet tubman. she fought for out freedom so that we could fill ourselves with grease and biscuits

my feelings about today

that is exactly how im feeling right now

news you need to know

on this day several years ago, too many to count....i lost my virginity


RIP to my hymen

special dedication

on this day 21 years ago the nigga seen above was born. shes a nigga in actions only because shes latino as hell like rice and beans all the time lmao. anyway thats my baby mama Jackeline Elizabeth Portocarrero and yes i put your government! anyway ive know her since my sophomore year of high school. the way we met is quite interesting.the first time we met was in math tutoring after school. i was standing there and she just came up to me and told me i was pretty. that automatically made her cool in my book.

the next interaction we had was def more umm i dont know interesting...awkward?  we had seen each other around because our high school was incredibly small and we had several mutual friends because the minorities pretty much all knew each other. so i was just standing at my locker minding my business and she just comes up to me and goes "umm yea so i just wanted to know if you and dwain were dating or in a relationship because yall are always together" i just looked at her because that was the boldest and most random thing anyone had ever done to me. turns out she liked him. me and dwain were just friends but part of me wonders what would have happened had i said yes? would she have tried to take my man?

so anyway the years continued on and because of a mutual friend, who ironically neither one of us still talks to, we became quite close. several years later that is one of the few people who i count as a real and true friend. she has always been there for me without question. we have an absolute love/hate relationship because we are both extremely outspoken and honest and i value that in a friendship. im not scared to tell her that her boyfriend aint shit and she will tell me with a quickness that im a ho. we talk to each other any kind of way #andthatsfine because it all comes from a place of love and great friendship. we can talk to each other about absolutely any and everything.

i def love her and her ass better love me. we talk literally everyday and whenever we're in chicago its days of shopping and retaurant hopping. its quite funny that her birthday is march 22nd and mine is april 22nd.

happy birthday boo hope you enjoy it te amo mucho!

put you up on game

if you have not had this amazingness in your life yet you are seriously lacking. it is like Jesus nutted in a container and labeled it ice cream. that is an empty carton because i demolished that with a quickness. it is only available at Target because its for like some charity thing. they have this and berry voluntary for some sort of partnership. so not only am i helping myself im also doing the world some good for once. its vanilla caramel ice cream with brownie and a caramel swirl. i could see myself like trading sexual favors for this stuff its that good. you may think im exaggerating but im not. this was all i had today and im totally satisfied.

OAN my nails have reached their limit. Tuesday im switching to the lace chic prints

ode to my wifey

*plays Prototype-Andre 3000*

this my dream woman esther baxter. the way halona feels about ludacris, qwynn about chris brown, jackie about idris elba...that is how i feel about her. i like LOVE her. she is dating fucking joe budden and i covered this before that im a hater over that situation. like i would build a monument to her and just admire her all day. idgaf if that sounds crazy but i love this bitch!

think about it

that scary love/never get married love/i got that fuck you and make you love me temporary love- Wale

Chris Brown "Skeet Cologne" (Does Trey Songz & R. Kelly Impersonation)

these are my confessions

so as per usual im spilling my guts out to you for no reason. i find that i often accuse people of not knowing me and they don't because i don't open up so here's a quick dose of Ashlee 101:

-if i were ever to drop to like 150 i would be a stripper. like seriously the idea of ppl throwing money at me while i shake my ass may seem basic as hell....because it is....but it feeds my ego so i would def do it. i pay $20 to go to the club and shake my ass so why not get paid to do it. if youve ever seen me drunk you know ive got some tricks and can make it give a round of applause. plus one of my biggest flaws is being incredibly materialistic and you need money to buy things

-i love pineapples like seriously unhealthy addiction i have several a day

-i love big curly natural hair and mine wont do that. if i ever go back to my real hair which is a serious probably not considering the fact that being sick and being on different meds has seriously changed its texture i would wear it curly and big

-this summer will be tats on tats on tats ive finally settled on which ones i want. what stops me is i can never make up my mind but now i know what  i want. im iffy on the ones i have now my only regret is i shouldve gotten them bigger but i was thinking i was gonna be a professional now that i know thats not gonna happen im going hard

-im often accused of being a makeup addict and im not. i make the joke that im not because i dont suck dick or steal to support the habit but i define a makeup addict as someone who buys it and wears it because they dont feel they are attractive and are not capable of accepting what they look like naturally. thats not me. me black coffee no sugar no cream is better than all the beat i put on. i wear it because i like it and im good at it. i like the compliments i get and i genuinely enjoy the artistry and the colors of makeup

-i want a breast augmentation.

-i really do get it from my mama

-im a nerd in every sense of the word. i write down stuff that i see during the day so that i can look it up later. this is everything from what started hollywood to the diet of an ocelot. i have the need to know any and everything

-i used to have an eating disorder and have gone between 160 and 280 lbs over the past 8 years. i had a relapse in like 2010 after a traumatic experience and went right back to the treatment facility. i hate that place and vow to never return there.

-i have the habit of putting others happiness ahead of my own. i do things to make others more happy and more comfortable regardless of if it puts me out or not i need to stop. i often end up in certain situations because i did something that wouldnt benefit me. my goal is to stop. at the end of the day im all i have and have to look out for numero uno

this needs a video

im not a fan of rihannas music generally but i loooove this song and wish she would make a video for it. i can only imagine what kind of sexy perversion she would act out. this is in my top 5 instantly gets me naked songs

and then i found out i was a jumpoff

ok so this is an old story like 7-8 months ago but ill tell it because i feel like it so anywhore.....i was talking to this girl and i was starting to like her. we hung out a lot and talked all the time. i wasn't thinking relationship because you know dating me is harder than finding help in the A building and i already knew she didn't meet the requirements. she was strictly and STD (something to do) either way i really liked her. so one day im at home and she text me about my day and we're chopping it up bloop bloop bloop and then she says i got my heart broken today. pause pump your break rewind and wipe the disk off. heart break say what? she proceeds to tell me how her girlfriend broke up with her that day. i wonder the fuck why! cheating, lying ass! im a good person so i didn't kick her while she was down and point out the obvious especially when she said her girlfriend didn't trust her. ma'am you are officially the last person to trust. i am in no way an advocate for cheating because its been done to me and it burns like hell so i would not be a party to if i knew. as bad as she was i would never have talked to her if i had known she had a serious girlfriend im no ones hooker whore homewrecker. she would ask me all these questions about should she get back with her and all this other stuff and im like what about me says im your personal dr phil? look at the things we were doing before you dropped this bombshell that's what im interested in. i later found out that she was messing around with quite a few girls. that i didn't care about because we weren't serious so any other females are none of my business but i couldn't get over the girlfriend. needless to say she still text me but they get unanswered.

my new obsession

im always trying new beauty products just for the hell of it and my new obsession is Sally Hansen Salon Effects

im debating if they're ghetto or creative but either way i love them. $10 and pretty long lasting. im gonna try these for awhile because im over plain polish for a little bit. getting a little jazzy for the warm weather

daily dose of ignorance

dead at hoodrat things with my friends. i weep for my people

for your consideration

this is a list of men whose semen i would house in my cervix for 9 months aka baby daddies. my children's father will not have any real responsibilities. i just want someone intelligent, musically inclined, educated, good looking, no history of mental illness in the family, no hereditary diseases....you know the usual stuff

Tank-hes very good looking and musically talented. my son would get so much play being a caramel colored version of him with my personality

Michael Ealy- good looking and talented actor plus i love his hair texture, mine wont do that

Hill Harper- attractive, Harvard educated, compassionate, intelligent, talented actor, author....like he actually my first choice but hes in his 40s already so i gotta get those swimmers now

Idris Elba- Ive never thought he was attractive but hes a great actor in addition to being a DJ and he has muscle tone which i don't so that's dope

Kanye West- an over the top personality with undeniable talent. a chicago bred asshole with incredible style and an ego that will we his downfall. he proved you dont need to finish school to make it

give me some more suggestions for who i need to stalk and steal i vial of their fresh squeezed man juices

sometimes

i wish i could get out of my own head for a little while. i have so much on my mind its ridiculous and i don't even know how to start sorting through it or how to handle the situations.dfujfjeihdejfkfbdsj yall i don't like it when im not in control of a situation because im a taurus my life is order and control anything else is not acceptable sdfghnfghjk the neverfuckingending story

i cannot wait

i cannot wait. like i loved the first one and i am beyond excitement to see what fuckery occurs now....wheres doug though? maybe that's the question that must be answered again

I NEED ADVICE

ok this rarely happens but i need some help and idk who to even call about this so ill just post this and maybe someone will have an answer. so ill keep this short what do you do when one of your friends offers you some pussy? like this girl is legit just my friend and we were talking and we got on the topic of sex. she just outta nowhere is like i want some head from you -_____- like wtf i never thought that she looked at me that way cuz i am not the type shes usually with. i was literally speechless and that's a rarity. all i could say was *craigs gf in Friday voice* what you gonna give me. shes like oh you can get whatever you want and some other stuff my christian fingertips wont let me write. like what am i supposed to do? i do not believe in friends with benefits because it gets messy but like i know for a fact she knows what shes doing but i dont want things to get weird. like we are just friends and then this? i don't even know if she likes me in that way or shes just horny. heelllppp

he who angers you controls you

Most of the time when someone hurts you, you have to forgive someone for yourself not for them. If you hold onto that anger it starts to consume and keep you from developing. I’m all about growth, I’m not the same person I was last year and won’t be who I am now come next year. Holding on to the past and things that people have done to you can prevent you from truly developing and reaching your highest potential to become the best you. This especially true when it comes to relationships don’t hold on to what someone else did to you and in turn making the next person pay for it. I was talking to my friend last night and she is just coming out of a really bad marriage. She was saying she doesn’t think she ever wants to get married again or have another girlfriend ever in life. (Rain by SWV…. get into it I miss groups like them, Total, 702, Xscape, TLC. Every album gave you life) I had to tell her not every girl is the same and you have to hold everyone accountable for their own actions. Just because one person treated you badly it doesn’t mean that’s what you deserve and that’s all you will find. Use it as a lesson on what you don’t want.

It takes time, but forgiveness is so necessary. You will gain an overwhelming sense of peace when you let go of negative emotions. No one is going to get everything right. Even when it comes to friends and parents you may like to think that your parents are adults and should know better, but they are human and flawed just like everyone else. Even past 40 they may still have a lot of growth and development. My mom tells me all the time that even at her age there is still so much she needs to work on. It hurts when they do things that make you feel like they don’t care about you, but maybe it’s something that they are battling that they have to overcome to have a positive relationship with you. It hurts to let people go especially the ones that you believe there should be a certain type of relationship with such as family, but if a person hinders more than they help you just say “I love you and I release you”

Sometimes you can repair the damage from a relationship and work things out with that person. Both parties have to be ready and forgiveness is the first step. When you hold on to anger and the past it’s like a boat staying chained to the dock. It’s floating and complacent and will never know the depths of the sea.

pay foreplay

So this discussion/debate came up: who should pay on dates? Someone didn’t believe me when I told them I have never paid for a date. My friend confirmed my statement in that she has never paid for a date either. We aren’t against it, but it comes at a certain point. I’m old fashioned and if we are still in the dating phase you need to be paying. Yall chicks can throw around all that I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T shit around all you want to, but it’s the principle of the matter. A lady should not have to pay unless yall are in a relationship. At that point it doesn’t matter who pays, but in the courting stage the man should pay. Honestly I don’t know any men who would go out with a female and expect her to pay in the first place. My male cousins have told me the only girls they let pay are the ones that they wanna run the smash and dash on. If they really like a girl she gets the three star treatment then when they are official she gets the five star. Maybe its just the guys I know because ive also talked to some girls who are like they pay for dates all the time. I’m not against it just not from jump. Some guys get offended when you offer to pay. No feminist morals over here I’m like church gotta give 10% to get through these pearly gates.

“Ashlee you go on dates with girls how does that work?” I date studs/doms whatever you wanna call them and they pay. Most of them are of the belief I wear the pants so im gonna take the lead on this. They consider themselves to be gentlemen and are better at acting like one than most real men. I’m not opposed to this at all. Treat a woman like a lady and she’ll act like one. Only time I have paid for anything with a stud was when we had gone on a few dates and I was like ok she’s stunted a bit now and proved worthy so I can reach down and uses my coins and dollars on her. This is pretty typical. That usher song Trading Places applies to us too. The few times I have gone out with femmes they paid because it then turns to the “who asked who” rule. Whoever initiated the date pays. If I asked a girl out which I probably never will because well I just don’t care that much I would pay and have no problem with it….but I get to feel a butt cheek.

This might sound old fashioned to some people, but I have talked to enough people to know it’s just not me. Everyone is different though and of course whatever works for you.

more random thoughts

-who’s louder Hispanics or Nigerians? I have never heard a Spanish speaking person not be loud as hell. Like it’s impossible for them to whisper and not just one group all of them when speaking their native tongue are on ten. Every morning on the train a gang gets on and are just loud! Nigerians are not only loud but incredibly aggressive. They say good morning with hella bass and it’s like a threat. You better say it back or something bad is gonna happen. I even heard this from an African she’s Kenyan, but she was telling me there is a big difference between east and west Africans. Nigerians are angry for no reason while Ethiopians are calm and cool. The funniest thing ever was when I was in this wing place by my house and this Nigerian dude comes in yelling on his phone at someone for moving the car and he jumps in front of this girl in line. She calmly says, “Sorry sir but I was ahead of you” he turns around and start yelling, “I AM HERE TO GET MY FOOD YOU WILL WAIT I AM HERE AND I WANT MY ORDER” Me and my mom were dying laughing because the lady all of sudden kirked on him and got back in front of him and he starts yelling in Ibo and it was just a great scene.

-will somebody get Chris Brown’s dick a protein shake or something. I saw that pic and didn’t know what I was supposed to be looking for. I was drawn to the tats first because that’s what I look at on anyone and then I was like oh hey skinny penis. Im not an expert or experienced dick surveyor by any means, even though me and Jackie are making a book from the small gallery we have, but that just didn’t look right.

-don’t call my family of you are freaking out about something because we aren’t gonna understand what the big deal is. We are very laid back almost to a fault. My aunt just found out she has cancer and she’s just like oh just take both my breasts Jesus (ok so is it breast or breasts? I’ve been wondering this for awhile…English majors help me out I love them but I can’t spell them so ill just stick to boobs, titties, jugs, titty balls, etc but boobie cancer sounds mad immature) so anyway she’s freaking out and my mom was like “its fucking stage one non threatening if you don’t just start some treatment and sit your ass down somewhere.” Ice water in the veins is a common trait among us.

-chicks with natural hair and Africa medallions have the fattest asses. You know those Erykah Badu brauds that smell like incense and veggie burgers who wear head wraps and wooden jewelry. Ass looking like we could ride that shit to the Motherland, and they’re real not like those model chicks who get ass shots

-Jazmine Sullivan makes the most depressing music. I call it For Colored Girls R&B

-DC weather is so skit and 90% of the time it sucks. Hot, raining, or hot rain

-are you bi-wining

-I love the smell of hot cocoa

-why do girls on the east coast still wear how stella got her groove back or poetic justice braids?

-hoes love dimples

lets go inside my head for a minute

- i need to stop being such a flirt. its been getting in some bad position because people take it the wrong way.i can flirt even if i dont like you idk why its just always been like this and its starting to backfire

-who told kim kardashian she could sing? that song is pure garbage!

-some people should refrain from talking let alone existing

-the type of girl im attracted to is starting to change. idk why maybe its cuz i dated that type for a little while and it was pretty dope. hell its still dope even though i always keep my fave type around just because. and like also ive been having fun last year was serious relationship this year has been fun.

-*to the beat of "you dont know me" by the kang TIP: you might follow me on twitter but shawty you dont know me...you mighta read my blog but shawty you dont know me...dont be an asshole keep it moving shawty you dont know me! never assume you know shit about me or my experiences. my layers are hundred fold

-i really love the little monsters i work with they warm my heart. cant wait until i have my own classroom

-like i expect certain things from some people depending on the relationship if i dont get what i want then you dont get what you want #kanyeshrug

-despite the stress of classes senior year has been pretty dope

-i had a flashback to MLK weekend smh...never again baby jesus

-shoutout to my hands and arms for shaking uncontrollably right now. let me take my ass home

-im still debating posted that video i made about the bad sexual experience. its still funny as hell. im actually supposed to see the girl  this weekend but i guarantee you there will not be a repeat!

because i can

love love love listen to it everyday but where the hell was i when they were filming this? thats def rm 322 and all school of b students have had class in there