Pet peeves

so someone asked me to do this a long ass time ago but im just now getting around to it oh well things are the things that get under my skin like no other


-popping or smacking gum...do this around me i just  might pop or smack you
-guys with long nails dont ask it just ugh
-ppl with bad memories mine is impeccable so yea why cant you remember shit
-dumbass questions your teachers lied there is a such thing as a stupid question
-baby hair
-old ppl
-cats
-handicapped parking spaces
-bags of chips that are only 1/4 of the way full
-girls who dont wear makeup
-chipped nail polish
-underwear
-sitting on my pillows...why the hell would i wanna put my face on something your ass has been on???
-things with holes in them like a lot of holes like whiffle balls or golf balls
-the words: penetrate, moist, ointment, and a lot of others
-ppl who use the rest of the tp and dont replace it
-ppl who shit and dont close the door afterward
-ppl who use my bathroom period
-things that make vibrating sounds

there are more but you dont need to know how neurotic i really am

FML

im supposed to be like fasting and detoxing for new years eve so of course i have a bag of chicken and a bottle of wine......classy like shit

passion vs. addiction

ok so many a time ive been accused of being addicted to make up. no its a passion that im working on ( oh shizzle beat it up by gucci just came on this goes so hard for me) turning into a career. i genuinely love the artistry and have since my mom took me to my first photo shoot when i was like 8 and i saw regular girls be transformed into models with the stroke of a brush. ive been hooked since then and i love how something so simple that has been around for thousands of years can transform you in so many ways. i can be sweet and innocent with a soft orange and pink eye and bubblegum lip or sexy and vampy with dark winged eyes and luscious red lips.

an addiction would mean that i would do anything to get makeup. im not at that point yet. when i start sucking dick for mascara or sell my tv for eyeshadow then it has become an addiction.....see the difference?

tv fuckery

so this morning dont ask me why but i watched toddlers and tiaras. this show pissed me off to the highest level of pisstivity because this is nothing but a pedophiles dream come true. scantily clad little girls in make up and wigs shaking their non existent asses. these girls all seem to believe their beauty is what will get them along in life and what seems funniest to me is all of their moms are these big frump monsters who are clearly living vicariously through their daughters. i would not let my 3 year old wear make up or spend hundreds of dollars on some sparkly ass dresses so that they can parade around for a bunch of pervs. they wear as much makeup and weave as i do! little girls should be allowed to enjoy their natural beauty. if you wanna have an activity put them in dance, soccer, swimming something else. its ok for a child to have an interest but i just feel that engaging something that put such an emphasis on looks and artificial additives such fake teeth and ponytails as such a young age it kinda sets the tone for the rest of their life and shapes their self esteem. these girls are also extremely bratty and catty toward one another. it just overall left a sour taste in my mouth. TLC is still one of my fave stations but i cannot approve this bullshit though

kissing you

ok so today my good friend qwynn asked me if i thought it was true that if a girl kisses a guy with her eyes open she doesn't really like the guy. i totally think this is true i also think it means she doesn't completely trust him. (ooer i exfoliated my lips today so they're super smoothy smooth and soft everyone should do it especially in the winter because we all get that big ass piece of dry loose ass chappedness on our bottom lip and there is nothing sexy about that and i wanted to wear my new red lipstick so they had to be extra poppin like two fresh slices of McIntosh apple all u need is some scrub and an old toothbrush)

so i believe in keeping you eyes closed when you kiss. first of all i believe in being lost in the moment. and what the hell are you looking at? someone has their tongue in your mouth why are you looking at the wall? and everyone i kiss is taller than me so why would i wanna look up your nose? thats not gonna make me attracted to you. and when you close your eyes there are no distractions just you in that moment. now there is one person i have kept my eyes open for and that was because the kiss was horrible.

i think that if you really like and trust someone you can close your eyes cuz you know they wont rob you. maybe its just me but i think that the moment should be intimate enough that you can focus on that. women are more emotional and you can learn a lot by reading a woman's body language. (oooh i found some 25 cent bags of chips today i got salt and vinegar and flamin hots like i used to in high school so im going in right now got my keys red as hell i just need a pickle and some mystic ok now you know ima hoodrat when im alone) her body positioning tells you her level of comfort with you. to me if a girls eyes are open that means shes anticipating the end of the kiss. maybe your breath stinks, maybe she has to pee, or maybe shes just not that into you. some people naturally keep their eyes open and sometimes its just not the moment. im an eyes closed all the time girl be it a peck or deep and passionate just my natural reaction. eyes are just a small part of the kiss. its so much more than your mouth the body language includes the arms, back, neck, stiffness of the lips like its everything so i wouldn't focus too much on the eyes opened or closed as an indicator of emotions. it counts for a small part in a much bigger complicated scheme....but yea you dont keep your eyes open when you really like someone

free giveaway

so i wanted to do a contest or like give something away just because and so i need some real suggestions for what you would want...one perv who shall remain nameless suggested i give away a pair of my panties but im just gonna ignore that one so what do you want??? makeup, a cake, to touch my boobs??? let me know and dont say no shit like an ipad

random thoughts floating like bubbles part deux

- should i wax or thread my eyebrows the threading lasts longer but hurts soooooo damn bad

-why are women so willing to risk the use of our feet for fashion? i bought the cutest shoes but every time i wear them i want my feet amputated afterward

-why did the east get hit so hard with snow and we're chillin in the midwest snow free?

- how do some people not know their breath stinks? like that shit will smell horrible and they dont notice like how do you not pass out when you inhale?

-what is the purpose of tyrese?

- i really wanna be a cop

-stop lying to your kids if you know they are ugly dont keep saying oh my pretty baby just keep them fly and emphasize an education

its not just your man

idk why but make it rain is going hard for me right now maybe its because im thinking about NYE but anywhore i get off topic too much. so one thing i have always respected about my dad and brother is that they keep it 100 with me when it comes to men. in my 21 years i have seen that pretty much everything they have told me has proven to be true.

they have always told me that a man doesn't cheat because he doesn't love he does it because he can. hes only as faithful as his options and most men aren't built for monogamy. you aren't supposed to take it personally but uhhh how can do not take your man doing the smash and dash on several chicks personally? apparently he loves you and all those other girls are just him thinking with the wrong head....

men dont look for the perfect woman. they may say they wanna smash rihanna but they know this will never happen. they do have standards though. although i have seen some men with girls who are straight up buggawolves. (ok love all over me by monica just came on and yall dont even wanna know what i think this song is really about) but these girls are less maintenance than the girls that you know keep themselves together. she knows she has fewer options because she knows she looks like all be damned to hell so shes goes harder in the paint for her man than a chick who knows she can pull from a wider variety. dont judge a girl by her looks there are some ugly stuck up chicks who think they are the shit just because someone has been pumping up their head. there are also some really cool and down to earth pretty girls. men bang whoever and whatever they can. i have guys say they will do these horrible things to me on the spot but sir you dont know me my vagina could be hosting every STD known to man but they dont care. men invest time in the girl who proves she has layers and just mess around with hoes, they usually end up the single girl with a lot of kids.

he fears commitment because he knows that when the status changes everything else changes with it. women want so much from a man and it can get ti be a bit much. women have this prince charming image in their mind and guess what.....its not real! you can find a man who loves you  and treat you well but when you have a list of requirements and expectations that's ten pages long a la what chilli wants you are setting yourself up for failure. you aren't perfect especially you sour apple bitter bitches that think every man is scum. if you really know me you know i had a relationship with one of the worst men in existence for far too long, but even i still believe there are good men. true there are some that are pure shit but dont make one pay for something that another did to you 5 years ago.

now one question that has always eluded me and that not even they could answer was why men leave good women. maybe they are scared to hurt her...maybe they like drama and she doesn't have it...who knows. it kinda goes into the same category as women who don't like good guys and only want the ones that treat them like trash people are just fucked up in general this is why im becoming a nun cuz yall hoes......<----side eye dots

i had to

ok so since the last few things i posted were quite ratchet i had to post a few nice happy things so you guys dont think im just totally out there i did wake up this morning a christian not the jezebel you make think i am so umm wishing you and yours a merry christmas and happy new year

naughty picture etiquette

ok so yea there is a dos and dont list for sending ppl graphic pics of yourself. some of yall try to send sexy and pics and they just dont work because you did not take of some key points. so review this before you try to seduce someone via picture mail

-lotion lotion lotion knees, elbows, abs, nipples everything needs to be moisturized. my friend showed me dick pic that a guy sent her and his dick was ashy. i didnt know that was possible but he figured out a way. if he had jacked off he woulda caused a house fire. but yea no one wants a super sexy pic of you if you look like a slave. hit all areas before you start snappin

-know your angles know how to arch your back to make you stomach look flatter. bigger boobed girls hold them up facing forward or lay back and take it from the side. if you have a flat ass do the ghetto girl sitting on the counter pose to make it bigger. guys dont take it in a cold room. one of personal faves is the lay back upside down legs up shot

-check your surroundings. dont send a pic from a dirty ass bathroom or messy bedroom. ive gotten naked pix and i could barely tell what i was looking at cuz  the bathroom mirror was so dirty. a pile of laundry is not a turn on

- keep your face out of it if yall aint like that.if they show anyone they can never prove it was you its just a random ass shot. (oh shit one night stand by lil jon just came on if yall have never heard please you are so not in the game right now) personally i send the bra on shot cuz 1. i spend a lot of money on expensive, pretty bras and 2. until we're official my nipples are my business and theres actually a surprise in the box if you wait

-check the name and number you are sending it to first. there is nothing nothing worse than accidentally sending a dirty pic to the wrong contact. your friends are not gonna understand why your nipples showed up on their phones. having a super common name ive gotten some accidental pics before and umm yea no bueno.

-have someone close to you that you can send a test pic to. we all need a friend that we can send the pic to for a critique first before you send the final one to your potential boo. you know just to make sure you didnt miss anything like a booger.

-nails. ladies its not sexy to be playing with your nipples and your nails look like you've been fighting porcupines. guys dont have your hand all on your junk and your nails are dirty cuz all shes gonna think about is how gross its gonna be for you to touch her

-dont be overconfident. if you know you have a funny looking coochie dont send it out. if you know your dick is little keep that to yourself. this is what the friend review is for. i had a chick send me some shit that she thought was sexy but it ruined my day. i was off titties for like a week after seeing hers looking like traffic cones

ok i know this was foolish but its late and we're grown and there are far too many people sending unappealing pornos.

secret turn on pt2

idk why im spilling all my T to yall but oh well i am. so my first secret turn on/ obsession was hoodrats. the next one up is fitted hats. dont ask me why but a low cut with a cap turn me all the way out. yall know i like studs so when a girl approaches me with waves or a real long ponytail and a NY fitted she automatically gets the number. its turns a dude swag exponentially up ( why did dang a lang by trina just come on? #bloggingafterdark) especially when that line is fresh from the barber no matter how he wears a new era it looks good for some reason. idk why this came to mind but yea. buy your boo male or stud a fitted and see how it changes how you look at them

back down memory lane

i found this pic the other day and thought i would post it with it being Christmastime and everyone having family around. this is me and my sister after she painted my nails for the first time. i was so excited cuz i felt like a big girl i was like 3 and she was like 8. times really have changed. since then shes had braces and ive found some lotion for my knees but note our edges and baby hairs nana was on it with that hot comb!

the social network

so this is def one of my fave songs and brings back a lot of memories from high school. now im trying to remember if i even ever shut down my myspace i damn sure dont remember the password. but anyway nowadays they arent even relevant but social networking has been ruling our lives for the past ten years. allll the way back to black planet! me and friends used to make up these ridiculous names and mess with people. all the guys had names with something ridiculous in it about money or ballin or his dick. and dont get me started on the little graphics and crap.

anyway that died and everybody got a tagged page. i dont even remember this junk but it did introduce the concept of the wall

then myspace started crackin. it was fun for a little while....until people started getting killed for meeting people off there. but everyone esp minorities had one and it was super decorated with the most random and ridiculous stuff like bedazzled puerto rican flags or scrolling banners that said fuck you pay me. there would always be somme drama with your friends if they werent in your top 8 and you better change that song to whatever is playing at the time. i used to like doing all the graphic stuff and backgrounds.

so then the king of all social networking sites appeared. fuckin facebook. facebook is a stalkers dream. anything you wanna know about a person all you have to do is friend them on facebook. you used to have some kind of privacy when i first got on in high school and you had to be invited by someone had to had to be in school. nowadays literally everyone has one even peoples grandmas and shit. like i get friend request from niggas named andre 'gettinback2damoneynpoppinniggas' johnson or keisha 'stealyomanthickadenasnicka' rogers. and then there is always the drama that pops on what pics people get tagged  in or what you write on someones wall. facebook is the number one killer of relationships. im like teyana taylor you cant find me on facebook. there is always some nosy ass relative who reads all your shit and then goes back reporting to your mama and now shes asking you why someone is biting you in the titty on the internet mom i dont know i just know ill never mix dark and light liquor again.there are games and all kins of stuff and fan pages for all your celebs just too much going on for my delicate nature. it is still one of the biggest social networking sites in existence i mean do you see a movie about the dude who created myspace? there are games and all kins of stuff and fan pages for all your celebs just too much going on for my delicate nature.

my thing is twitter. i love twitter because i can let everyone in on my random life and thoughts without having to post pics or disclose my relationship status or play some dumbass farmville.i can tweet all day but i try not to because if i tweeted all the things i thought you would then know just how deep the rabbit hole of my mind goes. i get the most random people following me though. (why did sex intelligent just come on #icant right now) i like the trending topics especially the funny ones. twitpic forced everyone to step their game lest you be caused looking ratchet and end up on someones hot ass mess list. it can be an open discussion for opinions or where you can find out about the best parties.

there are a ton of other sites but these are the most important i wont go into BGC or downelink cuz thats a completely different story chile...

all over this ice cream beat like sprinkles

ok first of all my head and shoulders are pounding ive taken about 4 tylenol already! 8 hours in the hair salon is no joke but it was so worth it ok so yea this isnt about how beat my hair is right now (it is fire right now tho giving all the sex kitten but ombj its so tight #thatswhatshesaid) but its about how cell phones are the devil and how some people use them. yea the title is misleading but i love that line

how many of you have had either someone you were talking to or a gf/bf call or text you with the dumbest question ever that you know they know they answer to? oh hey whats that street one block east of you? nigga you have been to my house at least 537 times you know what street that is. these types of situations typically occur after there has been a fight or some other kind of awkward mishap in the relationship (the kaaaang and the love of my straight life T.I. just came on excuse me while i have a moment the: opposite of moderate/immaculately polished/ with spirit of a hustler and the swagger of a college kid)

anyway if you all havent talked for like a couple of days they always hit you with some dumbass message or call just to kind of see if things have smoothed over yet or if they need to be prepared to feel your wrath. the best ive heard recently was my friend told her that this guy who she had had several issues with in the relationship department calls her and then proceeds to say oh im sorry i meant to call someone else but how are you.......<---dots indicate an extra hard side eye  you knew exactly what you were doing but you didnt have the balls to just pick up the phone and say hey ive been missing you and wanted to check on the status of your feelings about me and our relationship. idk if girls do this much because Ive really only heard of it coming from men. probably because usually they're the one who cause the disturbance in the first place.

i often remind people that a mans ego is fragile and so rarely will he do the most obvious and simple thing. he has to go about it in a way that a way that would make sense because most men dont see the beauty in saying hey i was wrong. i mean women do it too we just go about it in a different way. we rarely hit you with an "accidental" call or asinine question to get your attention.

so the moral of the story is say what you mean and mean what you say. thats prob why yall were fighting in the first place lack of good, firm communication

guess what

im single (again), its thirsty thursday, and im in the best city in america.....*kevin hart voice* its about to go down

holla if you need me

so i guess im the only one who believes that once you break up thats exactly whats that means. that shit is broken and no glue, duct tape, sticky note can fix it. i dont talk to my exes. you are an ex for a reason. there is no need for us to ever speak again. my mom and i were talking about this because her ex bf hit her up and she was like i have a new man please direct my number to your trash folder. i feel the same way. i know a lot of my friends still hang around their exes and thats cute for you but i could never do it. we are not together for a reason no matter what it is we mighta broke up over juice but that was our destiny dont mention tropicana to me. God forgives that doesnt mean i do. we probably arent together for a very good reason so when we decided that we didnt need to be together i decided that we needed to act like we never met. sometimes its hard if i really cared about them but willpower is key. there is one person that i hung on to because i trule loved her maybe a little too much and we were good friends as well but i had to let her go. maybe thats why yall still talk to your exes if you loved someone its hard to cut them out of your life but i find it to be completely necessary. i have only dated one person more than once and i will never do that again. so to avoid the temptation i cut them out of my life completely. once of my exes might be my soul mate but i dont care because something has already occured to break our foundation. not taht we wont fight but if we get to the point that we feel we dont need to be together i cant go for you anymore. i believe you get 3 great loves in your life: your first real love, the person you marry but later divorce, and then the one you end up spending the rest of your life with. (i dont like fantasia but this bittersweet goes so hard for me) if you dont have any kids or joint ventures together there is really no reason to exist in each others lives. even if you get back together there will always be cracks in your relationship because you had to put it back together. like queen bey said trust is like a mirror you can fix it once its broke but you can still see the cracks in that motherfuckers reflection. i also find it very disrespectful to your new mate to still be communicating with your ex. if you are still single then its a different story but for your emotional health you have to let them go. its hard to have a future with someone new when you are still holding onto your past with someone else. i know i talked about this before in my how to get over your ex post (scroll down the side its somewhere there im too frantic right now to figure out how to do the link) but winter break always brings old, at home niggas out the woodwork and right now i have some things on my mind so this just came outta me and maybe this wont help you but its helping me to get this out. i believe you do whats best for you and how you feel about your ex but me no ma'am when i put your book on the shelf i closed it for good

For your viewing pleasure

this is the official video for the twerk anthem make it rain. if you are a girl and this doesnt make your ass twitch even a little ima need you to re-evaluate your life. only travis porter could come up with a video like this. its def different from the original black and white stripper video they originally released.

Baketball Birds

ok so sunday nights are a black reality tv show lovers dream. Real Housewives of Atlanta, Brandy and Ray J, and of course these heaux.ok i love RHOA i dont do brandy and ray j but i have attempted basketball wives. sooooo umm i formulated my own definition of basketball wives before the show even began. i thought it would be about women who are married to professional NBA players wrong wrong wrong it apparently is defined by the queen bird shaunie oneal as a dumbass braud who at one time or another fucked a nigga who was signed anytime in the past 20 years. (ok my trina pandora station is going in right now. im not a trina fan really i made it because one day i had the urge to pretend to be a female rapper so i made this station and actually it goes hard. a few of her good songs and a lot of monica, ludacris, lil wayne, missy elliot its def taking me back right now) anyway these are the cattiest, most extra regular, no ambition having just ugh women i have ever seen! like im really trying to figure out the difference between them and the flavor of love girls.

ok so theres shaunie...your man left you boo boo actually for a flavor of love girl. you are old as hell to be a producing a show that makes your female cohorts look like jealous, petty, immature children! dont have like five kids go do something please. why are you encouraging such childish behavior especially the foolishness that occured between suzy and evelyn this past episode. like i know some extreme ho shit about my friends and vice versa. we could destroy each other reputations but we dont because a. we're friends and b. we are tool old for that! if im 21 and see this you're like what 36? why dont you see this?

evelyn chile if you dont sit down somewhere. you were dating antoine walker who now plays in like the d league. you are engaged supposedly to ocho cinco you why are you even still here? youre too pretty to be so petty. ok we get it your man hurt you keep it moving. and we all saw the naked pictures im sure whoever he cheated with wasnt as cute get over it and own up to your ho activities!

royce is actually 12 years old and basic as hell she is listed as a former dancer because her baby daddy dwight howard has a gag order against her. she cannot associate herself with him and i think that was a smart move on his part because he should be ashamed that he ever stuck his dick in her. she loves to be a shit disturber as my granny would say which is basically an instigator. youre a cute girl and a great dancer why are you doing this and how did you get on the show since youve never been a wife.

jennifer is married to the damn rancor from star wars. she is the only one who is actually a wife but she has the most unhappy marriage in existence. and your husband is one of those who? players. why are you still married to that fool oh yea thats right you have no discernible life skills. leave that fool take the money and start a business write a book do something cuz like the groupie told you in season 1"your husband dont give a fuck about you"

suzy was the girlfriend of someone yea thats it....shes a realtor i can respect that

all in all this is a joke that i can only take for so long. shows like this are the reason that women get such a bad name as lazy gold diggers.there's a reason they were basketball girlfriends who were consistently cheated on you didn't have what it takes to be a wife

OMBJ read read read

loke when i saw this a damn lighbulb exploded over my head! one of my fave blogs and inspirations is Madame Noire they have great just topics on everything from hair to relationship but this particular article spoke to me in so many ways because everyday another one of my friends thinks they have this issue so yall heffas need to fact check these states against your man!

your man might not be shit

Daily Dose of Ignorance

i love Lloyd and i love this song so i cannot abide by this foolishness but it gave me a great laughter this morning

size what?! girl.........

so recently i went shopping because well thats what i like to do. so i asked the salesman (ok i have a problem with this. a man was working in a well know plus size clothing store. i guess its kinda hypocritical because ive worked in mens clothing forever but i just feel some kinda way about it anywhore) if they had the pants that i was looking for. he took me over to them and said oh youre what a size 14? pause pump ya brakes rewind try again. i havent been a size 14 in forever. when i told him what size i really was he was all like umm no youre not theres no way in hell. nigga stop trying to flatter me cuz im not interested in your smooth caramel skin and smooth baritone (but if yall are i did take a pic cuz he was hella fine). he hands me a size that is in between the14 and the size i felt i was wearing. ok when i tried them on they fit. he was all like see i told you i guess you like wearing your stuff baggy. the theme of my life has always been keep ya thoughts and ya feelings shawty you dont know me. i like everything tight but i know that i have hidden thickness. when i take off my pants there is a little more lurking than what meets the eye. and ok my jeans have been falling off me lately but i just took it as they were getting a little stretched out but not that i was getting any smaller. but anyway the point of this is that its funny to me the major difference between the way we see ourselves and the way others see us. this boy called me thick i was like no im fat. im the least self deprecating person there is because at the end of the day im comfortable in my skin but im honest with myself. the constraints on size must have changed because people are constantly like youre not that big but i feel like i look like i belong on a TLC special in a bed covered by a sheet with a platter of ding dongs on my stomach. a lot of girls ive been seeing a lot of girls billing themselves as thick when im like pause did the definition change? but i guess self perception and the way the world sees you will always be different. i learned the technical terms for this but my mind is so far from school right now. maybe some people are being nice when they call someone thick instead of fat. also some of my skinny friends have it stuck in their minds that they are thick when in actuality they can use one of my bracelets as an accent belt. maybe i feel this way because i have PMS and i feel like the twitter whale and my mom has been on this super diet and lost a lot of weight and makes it a point to tell me how much shes lost but whatever maybe im not that big because i can fit all the new clothes shes been buying. but whatever i mean feel however you want to about your body but dont lie to people or yourself.

Post sex conversations

how did the presex conversations tips work? well you know i never like to leave you all without my complete input so heres the postsex conversation tips

-dont flush the condom put it in the trash

-theres baby wipes under the sink

-well umm i have a lot of stuff to do so ill walk you out

what else is there to be said? the deed is done so *cues chris brown* Deuces!

side eye

this nigga knows he need not EVER be seen without a hat! when i see him without a hat idk rather to wait for him to sing or put a condom on it.

i like this

"But how will I know who my soul mate is?""By taking risks," Wicca said to Brida. "By risking failure, disappointment, disillusion, but never ceasing in your search for Love. As long as you keep looking, you will triumph in the end."

a few female singers just my opinion not any real singers just famous ones

ok so rihanna is undoubtedly one of the most beautiful women in the world. her bone structure is amazing and she has a fearless style that allows her to look good in everything from a couture gown to sweat pants. even in that ridiculous 3rd day tampon red wig id still fuck the accent outta her voice.  shes makes a great model....notice i harp on her looks and not singing ability. she sings like a dying cat. what has made her career is solid material and good sound engineering. her songs are highly addictive but ill never check for her on a ballad. also knowing the right people one word from Hov and youre a star regardless of your yodeling. she managed to get her ass beat and come out looking like a brave hero despite going back to her abuser *side eye* but hey get your name out how you can.

scary hilson excuse me keri hilson is some random ass bitch who makes songs. she shoulda stuck to song writing cuz you dont have a future as an entertainer.  that little cooch popping video #hohaveaseat  ok maybe im a little harsh but she came hard for beyonce and thats a flag on the play. Jesus could sell bootleg copies of your album in times square and you still wouldnt sell more than Queen Bey. she is beautiful tho but her little anorexic pussy that supposed to keep off the streets chile you can keep your oversexualized videos for someone else. i like her style and shes another that can carry different looks but she lacks any major singing ability. and  if you even dream youre better than B you better wake up and apologize

i like skeletor aka ciara because she stays in her lane club/ dance songs. she doesnt really have a voice but she can dance her ass off.

*cues b.scotts "come for the queen"* did your fave sell 1,000,000 copies of her world tour dvd that was also aired on primetime television on thanksgiving day? are they married to one of the most powerful  hip hop moguls? do they have a word in the dictionary (bootylicious)? sold more than any other female recording artists? have a line of ugly and basic ass clothes? (ok not everything she does is a hit) starred in a gang of movies despite her lack of acting ability? had a video that was so big everyone and their mama filmed themselves recreating her dance? now Bey is not perfect by any stretch and she is def s bit of a thief but i live by the principle its not who did it first its who did it best. she has hustled her way to the top of her game. she has an amazing vocal ability and range as well as dance skills. she has an extreme fan base who spread across the globe. them damn customer service ppl you call at 3 in the morning cant speak english for shit to help fix your laptop but damn sure know all the words to Irreplaceable.

thats it because one you say Beyonce everyone else becomes irrelevant

Daily dose of ignorance: DORA THE EXPLORE: AT THE FUNCTION (EP1)

secret obsession

so i have a secret turn on.....i love hoodrats. idk what it is but theres something about a girl with big earrings and an attitude that i love. i would never take her home to my mother but i love that neck rolling, weave patting, new-new esque ghetto girl that just gets me. they always have fat asses and loose morals. i would never wife a chick like this oh but you can come by after 11 and i know you dont have a job except doing hair in your mamas house so you can stay all night. i think its a sexual thing because they dont have the same outlook as the prissy ass type of girl i will probably marry. they are usually on some other shit that you can only imagine. i discovered im not the only one many of my male friends also voyage into the birdcage and understand my obsession. they arent taking any mess and usually have some kinda fruity, artificially colored drink when you go to their house. i dont like college ghetto girls no i like birds that work minimum wage and maybe have a few kids...dont judge me. they always a lot of tats and freaky piercings and catch an attitude real quick. theyll do it anywhere but you cant take them too many places cuz they have no home training. and you have to yell out their nickname cuz they have too many syllables in their real name  sigh...

fast food

im convinced that either fast food has crack in it or im just fat as hell. lately ive been craving all kinds of greasy fries, burgers, tacos, and six wings from everywhere. and the worst part is that its almost always disappointing. first you pull up and Bon Qui  Qui or Key Lo Lo is hard as hell to understand and you have to repeat your order like 11 times. if you dont get your hooked on phonics ass off this window and direct me to someone who knows which button on the keypad is a #7 with cheese. and then the drive thru line is always hella long because people cant make up their mind. bitch its wendys not some 5 star restaurant if you dont get some spicy nuggets and move outta the way. and when you get to the first window i know your fat ass knew how much you food was gonna be for you and your 20 kids why are you just digging through your purse for that $50 you just spent on happy meals instead of cooking. so 20 minutes later when you finally get to the second window to get your food you have to stay and check it because you know they got something in your bag wrong....smh oh but when i finally got the right order it was epic

presex conversations

so with it being winter break and all everyone seems to be making their cold weather hook ups you may be embarking on a booty call you may have never experienced before and somehow my ipod got put on my get it in playlist and so this led me to think of the presex conversation or a few questions you may wanna ask any new partner

1. have you heard of the introduction? before you introduce any penis, strap on, popsicle,  finger, candy cane, nutter butter whatever to my vagina you must first introduce your face

2. how regularly do you get tested cuz i dont care if your condoms are made of the leather from Jesus' sandals i care too much about my health to play russian roulette

3. whats your favorite position? this must be addressed because i dont want you trying to fold me into some crab walk shit when i just wanna be on top we need to have a gameplan beforehand so that there is no unwanted manuvering

4. do you turn the brown eye blue? depending on what your partner is in to this might be a surprise

5. lights on or off because we dont wanna have a beyonce moment: lights! somebody getting fired hey hey

6. have you seen the raheem devaughn video for single? im just saying take notes it will help

7. for me this is a big one do you engage in the waxing ministry? i dont like hair in my food and refuse to choke on a stray curly pube. please dont shave because it feels like weird braille coochie and that scares me men you too itll make your junk look bigger if you manscape a little

8.do you expect me to return the favor? not everyone like to go downtown and some people love to do it. we've already decided that you have to do it to me but do you want me to do it too?

9. i dont encounter this but a lot of my friends have told me this  bothers them...are you cut or uncut apparently if your banana still has the peel they aint goin

10. whats your diet like because oh its in your fluids and if we do decide that im going down i would like to know if im about to taste passion fruit or burger king. personally i hate body fluids so im gonna be icked out either way but trust me sweet is better than salty.

there are so many things that can be discussed but these were the first 10 that came to my mind have fun

random thoughts floating like bubbles

was the dream serious when he said 6-7-2011 ima drop that love affair?

where do rappers go when they fall off?

why are networks coming out with these random ass shows about nothing?

why has there been a sudden surge in midget strippers?

did you catch the last train to paris?

why would you wanna sweat during sex? thats gross

never eat red food from a woman youre dating just trust me on this

who you finna try?

How to be faithful 101

so since i wrote how to cheat it was requested that i  write how to be faithful.....

-dont go outside

-dont own a computer

-dont own a phone

-have no knowledge of the world outside your significant other


lol just kidding....but all these things help

dating people with kids

so my last two girlfriends have had kids and a few of my friends have kids. also nowadays its pretty hard to date someone in your age group who doesnt have some spawn running around. i guess the weirdest part is like trying to get to know the kid and theyre like oh youre the one boning my mom/dad idk how i feel about you right now.

i dont go around my girlfriends daughter but she knows about me.im not trying to be a step parent cuz the girl is like 9 so i dont wanna get too involved in the event of the (very likely) chance that we dont work out. i feel like its a negative for a child to lose someone that they have developed an attachment to. my parents have been divorced for the last 16 years of my life so ive met girlfriends and boyfriends for awhile now. my dad dates a lot idk women go crazy over him but whatevs so hes been seeing the same woman on and off for the majority of my life and i hate that bitch so idc if she falls in the grand canyon but he has dated some women who i genuinely did like. none of them could ever compare to my mother but i did like them as people and were sad to see them go especially since that meant that bitch was coming back. i dont like my moms bfs typically because they kinda act like i dont exist. ive like a few but i never really formed any attachments to them. its not that i wanted my parents together because they are the definition of incompatible but i just couldnt click with the new mates.

some of my friends have small kids and date a lot and their kids have met the new people in their parents lives. some even call them mommy or daddy which is major flag on the play to me. unless you all have the intention of creating that type of long lasting relationship i wouldnt want to give a kid that type of impression to the tiny tot for christ. children develop bonds easily and im also not trying to play mommy to something thats not mine. both my brother and sister have blended families and its hard to deal with kids that arent yours.and until i pop out my own or decide to be really really serious with someone who already has children id rather keep my distance and yall know i absolutely love love love munchkins but so i might also become attached to them and then their mama acts a fool so we break up and ill miss them too. its just easier to create a gap until the time is right. you have to understand that their child is the main priority and everything is done in the best interest of the child...well thats if they are a mature parent. so things are a little more difficult.

but yea its annoying when i cant get any cause she cant get a babysitter.....just thought id throw that in there.

Double Take

 

ok look yall cant tell me thats not the same person! the top is the actor known as "Lamman Rucker" and the bottom is the football player known as "Donovan McNabb" idk who this person is or what their real name is but they have been busy doing double duty as an actor and a football player. if you say thats not the same nigga you a damn lie

baby fever

i want a baby

no deep meaning or anecdotes or metaphors  to this i want a child of my own

not gonna happen anytime soon tho *tear*

The Friend Zone

so as some point of another we have all had an encounter with the friend zone. be it you placed someone there or you got put there it is a place that no one wants to be in. we all have friends but the friend zone is that special place that you arrive at when you like someone in the romantic sense but they only see you as a friend. it burns like the fire of a thousand suns because you have some real, deep romantic feelings for this person. you see yourself being the only one in their life but unfortunately they dont feel the same. they may even hit you with the i see you as a brother/sister. *blankstare* im tryna smang it and you wanna be my sister? no ma'am and no girl. sometimes you even only become friends with this person because you are trying to get with them.

the hardest part of the friend zone is when they find out how you feel and they kinda dismiss it. the real battle comes when they say they still wanna be friends. why the hell would i still wanna be your friend if i know you're the one for me. i mean you don't have to dissolve the friendship but it may be best to pull back a bit. unless you're in that highly addictive love phase where you cant imagine the idea of not having them around. this can also hurt you because you may pass up other potential lovers because you want this one person who doesn't want you. you find yourself going to crazy lengths to do things for them all in the name of love. you stand by and watch as their other significant others treat them like shit and all you can do is be a shoulder to cry on as they go in on whatever the latest asshole has done and you know you would never do something like that to them but they'll never know because they wont give you a chance.

now sometimes there are cases where they wear down and realize that you might actually be the one. this is typically after you get a new boyfriend or girlfriend and they see how good of a partner you are and realize what they missed out on. now do you let them suffer and stay with this new person or do you go with your hearts true desire? the amount of time and attention you also give them can also have a huge effect on their feelings for you. its called beauty and the beast syndrome. suddenly theres something there that wasnt there before. they start to see damn this is a good person and they have some real ass feelings for me.

now not every friend zone has a "brown sugar" ending where you end up together because they finally realize it was you all along. sometimes they are firm in that friend status and you really dont have a chance. thats when you make a pimps decision and decide do you really wanna stay and be their friend because you value them as a friend, leave because you only were in it for romantic purposes, or stay as a friend but pull back a bit because you dont want to get hurt. (so im listening to pandora and whats my name come on and so drake said the square root of 69 is 8 something so i checked and it actually is who knew dont judge me i hate math) but the best advice i can offer is let them know how you feel and see what happens. they may feel the same way and not have said anything you never know ;)

my Christmas list

so its that time of year again and everyone is looking to find presents for that special someone in their life. so ive included my christmas list if the spirit should so move you to make a purchase for your favorite blogger and ive also included some gift idea for others in your life

my (partial) list:
-champion bottle of coconut ciroc.....coco losos on deck for errrbody
-a bad venezeulan chick with a heavy accent
-a full set of MAC brushes
-sugarpill single eyeshadow in dollipop
-two faced eyeshadow insurance
-ok pretty much any cosmetic product you can think of
-a stuffed elephant
-a bunny rabbit named steven and two turtles named walker and texas ranger
-a shake weight (dont judge me i just want toned arms)
-two beyonce experience and two i am yours dvds
-TI to get outta jail
-cashmere boxer briefs


ok so if you are looking for gifts for the man in your life here are a few ideas
-any video game
-some smell good i love the smell of mens cologne like even on girls men get some of the best fragrances if you are really feeling him some Creed or Armani yummy but not jean paul gaultier because it smells really good but the bottle is kinda gay
-anything from the art of shaving
-underwear and socks because men seem to have a problem with these
- a journal because he may not admit it but he needs to get his feelings out


hope this helps.......habari gani bitches!

wanna see a scary movie?

hell no i dont. me and scary movies dont mix. i will be the first to admit that i am a chicken shit. im that annoying person who is screaming in the theatre and jumping on the person next to me. i have never seen saw, paranormal activity, texas chainsaw massacre, hostel, none of that because it just does not  suit my delicate nature. im so convinced that that stuff is real especially paranormal activity. i once made someone get outta bed and look in the closet because i thought there was a monster in there. and not some cute telly or elmo monster like a ahh real monsters (that used to be my show).

but anyway the apartment i lived in when i was little im pretty sure it was haunted. like you would see shadows and no one would be there or a door would open for no reason so yes i totally believe in ghosts. maybe thats why i dont like scary movies. when i tell you that i saw sixth sense when i was like 10 and didnt sleep for a week....hell if i see scary movies now i dont sleep unless someone is in the bed with me. i know enough white people to know that shit like the strangers or halloween is very real and someone climb in your window and snatch your people up

oldie but goodie that still cracks me up: A bug flies into news reporter's mouth must watch

Cheating 101

ok so lately my girl has been accusing me of cheating and yea i have been but she did not follow the proper protocol for discovery so therefore charges must be dropped. taking it to be blaw on that ass i had my full defense ready. so the main guideline for cheating is that its not what you think its what you can prove. she thinks ive been cheating but without any evidence it stands strickly as speculation. so due to this fact i have come up with some guidelines for stepping out on your significant other. i am in no way supporting cheating cuz i hate to have it done to me if im in love and when i really care about someone i would never think of stepping put on them but me and her have a lot of issues and its not like a serious relationship

1. i dont text my side chicks about too much i call them. you may say oh no youre giving side chicks too much shine. but thats why yall stay getting caught up. this goes back to the evidence factor. if my girl ever goes through my phone which she frequently tries to do she could never question me about a text. i may say whats up to them but anything regarding any sexual activities must be discussed on the phone. also for my blackberry users crunch sms and bbm are your best friend. if you do discuss anything in text when you are done you can delete or end the conversation and everything that was discussed is lost forever. alway end convos with side pieces once the rendez vous has been set. and also any dirty pix i recieve are hidden in a special folder that no one can ever see but i can refer to from time to time

2. twitter and facebook are of the devil. never ever ever ever ever friend your jumpoffs on social networks. they may get outta pocket and write something on your wall or dm you and then your partner sees it and brings up some mess. trust and believe they will raise hell over anything they may see so just dont fuel their fire

3. spacing between sexual encounters is key. men swear they can feel a difference in your ya ya so if you are smanging more than one dude at a time give yourself a few days to get ms sally back in proper order. kegel exercises are key. smells too. if you are messing with someone who wears a destinctive frangrance make sure you shower and remove clothes. ppl who mess with me get caught up with my makeup being on their shirt or my lipstick on their skin because i wear so much its bound to rub off at some point so basically make sure you have time to change and shower before your boo has to to wonder why you smell like creed when he wears armani or why there are red lip prints where there should not be

4. old school trick that still works is switching up names in the phone. in the event that they call or text why you are with your main and they pick up your phone it needs to say Chris from Algebra or Brandy from Blaw this way you can say its a school related matter or always switching the gender of the name can save stress so he cant say why is some nigga calling you at 2am when you can just say its a homegirl initials also work pretty well. also memorizing the number so that you never have to save it or deleting every call as they are made is also a good trick that helps to avoid the confrontation

5. dont act suspicious! that will always makes you look bad if they ask to see your phone let them. by not letting them that makes it seem like you have something to hide which leads to even more problems adn fights....i want the password to the phone marcus give me the password to the phone... you can easily avoid that if you follow the other rules ive provided.

6. email is an entremely underrated form of communication. because most ppl our age dont really pay attention to their emails too much that makes it a good method of communication for jumpoffs

7. if you take your side joint out it is better to have a separate credit card or bank account that you use for dates or cash only transactions. if you and your significant other are at the point where they know your banking info like that they willl notice things like large amounts of money missing. also receipts. i have caught someone cheating on me off a receipt because the date and time corresponded to a totally different story than what they told me.

8. dont tell all your business to everyone. not all your friends need to know if your are two timing esp if they have a big mouth or friends in common with your boo. just tell one or at the most two friends who can act as an alibi or run interferece for you if necessary. this is when you find out who you can really trust not to be the big mouth and tell your man because they want him for themselves. oh chicks are scandalous

9. dont meet up at the same time and place all the time. give your encounters some variety as not to arouse suspision

10. pray you dont get caught because whats done in the dark always come to the light and youre gonna have to pay the piper

train adventures

so yesterday after an extremely stressful day i get on the train to begin my journey home. it was kinda late at night so all the wierdos were out. i always like to sit by myself on the train so i found an empty set of seats. this random man sits in the set next to me but of course i dont think anything of it. anyway i turn to the side and out my feet up and proceed to listen to my pandora and play my fave game on my phone. next thing i know his hand is in his pants. im just like ok sir. next thing i know he turns and is facing me and he is going to town with his hand in his pants. i turn to face forward (ps thats also the name of my cosmetics company hit me up) because it has just gotten awkward. but at another glance he has pulled his wee willy winky ALL the way out and his five knuckle shuffling for his life! you know me i was beyond shocked like i havent seen a penis is person in like 5 years and this was not i how i intended my reintroduction to be. so anyway he like staring at what i dont know because i was trying everything in my life not to look at this man. the girl in front of me was also like trying not to look at him. it was the longest ride of my life. and why did he still not nut we were on there for hella long and he just kept going. i wanted to stand up and scream "you nasty sick fuck bastard you will never reach the kingdom of heaven" but considering the fact that he had the balls (no pun intended) to beat his dick on the train i was afraid that he would like nut on my face. that would not be the move like to have a random stranger nut on my face especially on world aids day like that would be the ultimate L. so i just kept my comments to myself. anywhore i have never been happier than the moment my stop came and i could get off. and i think he probably got off too (not the train but you know "got off" giggity)

we're not together, we're just friends womp womp

so lovers and friends, friends with benefits, fuck buddies, whatever you call it its all the same thing. that point where yall go from being just friends to liking each other to somehow becoming bedmates (do yall like having sex under the covers? i dont gets too hot) . or maybe yall fall in love and enter into a real, serious relationship. either way there is a shift in the friendship. is this a good or bad thing? ive seen situation turn out pretty well and not so well. it has been in my personal experience that when you cross that line everything changes and you can never go back. if you go the relationship route when you break up if its messy you lose both your lover and your friend. that was just my experience. ive seen people go from friends to lovers and right back to friends as if nothing happened. thats to me the ideal situation. if it doesnt work out then you can go back to being friends and you def know a bit more about the person. i dont like dating my friends for the simple fact i know too much about them that can be good when it comes to likes and dislikes but bad when it comes to knowing how they've treated ppl in the past relationships as well as the body count. like i dont mind dating associates but someone i legit consider my double OG triple OG i could never do. mainly because i would be devastated if it ended badly and i lost my friend over some bullshit. im stubborn and have a strict policy of not speaking to my exes after its over and they would be placed in that category. and also im not attracted to any of my friends no shade i love yall heaux but not one of you is my type.

now fuck buddies/friends with benefits is a different story. like there isnt really an emotional connection just a hey you know lets go to the movies and get some chicken oops ok now your dick is in my mouth. it typically works unless one party catches feelings or decided to enter into a relationship with another person. at this point in time either the sex stops and youre back in the friend zone unless you keep sleeping together in which it becomes cheating and thats just #allbad. ive seen people be friends with benefits for quite sometime and everything work out perfectly fine now the fact that neither one of them is seeing someone else leads me to an umm hmm yea ok tight lip nod. nowadays it seems like no one really has time for a relationship but is def DTF. this can actually work in your favor if thats what youre into. i know most people fear labels and therefore dont want to use the terms like boyfriend and girlfriend and yea thats cute for you. but honestly label or not if yall spend a significant amount of time together, are getting it in, and not seeing anyone else then yea yall together but dont wanna say it. #andthatsfine if it works it works not everyone is built for a relationship but being a taurus i value stability and like to know where i stand with a person. but thats just me. if the sex is good and yall have fun together let the chips fall where they may. my main concern is as always someone getting hurt.

i feel like good and true friends are too hard to come by to risk for thrust it thrust it pump it pump it when there are plenty of other ppl out here who are DTF. if its just a fuck buddy or jumpoff and yall dont associate during daytime hours then to me thats better and less messy because you dont already have a bond to that person or anything to lose. but once again this is just a blog and therefore no more than my opinion.

Raheem DeVaughn - Single

Chile this video......#icant

Daily Dose of Ignorance- Who You Finna Try!?? Plz Keep This Young Man In Your Prayers!

My most embarrassing moment

instead of going on some long drawn out story and giving lots of funny anecdotes and such ill just get to the point and plus i have class in 10 minutes so i cant really explain maybe later. but the point is my most embarrassing moment was i peed on myself in the middle of the library

its ok you can laugh i do now not so much though when it happened.

warning this is hella ratchet...my thoughts on sex and virginity

do you remember your  first time? how was it? do you still talk to the person? often times your first time is def not your best time. thats why many people wait until they are married thinking that its gonna be this super special moment and its gonna be all fireworks and  you will be in love forever. ok look its gonna hurt and you probably wont  enjoy it. im just being honest. thats why i didnt wait and save my first time for someone i loved because i didnt wanna be disappointed. im not saying that everyones is horrible thats why i want people to submit stories but its def not like in the movies. you might enjoy it might not hurt if he knows what hes doing. the guy i lost mine to had figured out a system to loosin me up and dammit it worked i just didnt enjoy it cuz after a while the novelty of some man pumping on top of me wore off.  i want my wedding night to be off the chain damn wild neighbors calling the police  why are yo draws in the ceiling fan what the hell did we do with a waffle iron crazy so we are gonna  stop having sex a month before the wedding so we get that good i gotta have you build up. but we must test drive the goodies before we make that committment. i only wanna get married once so i need to know what you are working with and what skills we need to develop.

i understand that sex is a big emotional committment and that many women wait so that they can give that special part of themselves to the man that they have dedicated their love and life to.......but you are missing out. like yeah you may say oh im not worrying about pregnancy and STDs and this is true but if you practice safe sex you dont have to worry about these things either. you may say oh well what if we have sex and he dips. thats a hard emotional blow but what if when you get married you and your husband have months of bad sex and he leaves you for another more experienced woman all because you didnt know how to throw it back? yea its ratchet but its real. a mans heart, logic, and penis are closely related and by letting him get a teaspoon from your sugar bowl can greatly affect your influence over him. also some men fear having sex with a virgin. they dont wanna be the standard that you base all your sexual experiences on. some men like it because theyre thinking ok yea i know shes clean, she'll always remember me yadda yadda yadda. a man may also like marrying a virgin because hes thinking oh yea im the only man my wife will ever know about. greatly outweighing these factors are the fact that hes gonna wanna tear that shit up but cant because you got that extra extra tight. loose is never ok but when you are prepared to put in work and hes got all this nut built up because hes been with you for so long and hopefully faithful that when he does get some hes gonna wanna put in overtime and when he finally releases it will come out like a civil rights hose. a virgin cannot handle that.

sex is just fun. if it with a committed partner or even with a fuck buddy getting it in is the shit...if yall are doing it right. if you have sex with the same person for a long time and they know your body and can hit all those spots gotdamn they might have you in the kitchen at 4am singing anita baker making them pancakes, grits, eggs, bacon, and freshly queezed orange juice. chile go to bed with a perm and by the time they are finished with you ya got locs. you may not even have to know them that long if they are skilled cause some people idk if its practice or they were born with but *whew*

it is definitely a personal choice and im not saying go out and fuck the first person you meet. if it is for religious reasons then absolutely hold onto your faith over all but my motto is carpe diem. you never know when you could go so take the risk and leap go get you some kapow bomchickawown. i dont really dont believe in soul mates so im not saving my vag for 20 something years to give to one person. and plus when im married i wanna be able to be making my wife cofee i wanna be able to look out the window and remember the time i got it in on the back porch and the neighbors caught us or the time i got a leg cramp but kept going cuz it was too good to stop hmm or the time ok let me stop......good times ;-)

Crazy dreams

so idk what is going on in my subconscious but lately ive been having the craziest dreams. like about random stuff that would never occur in my real life. like in one there was an abandon house on campus that everyone hung out in. like it was dirty and had a lot of broken windows but that was the chill spot. so anyway me and my friend rachel were in there chillin and this random guy walks inand we start having sex on a dirty old couch. issue one i was having sex with a man, yea thats so high school i dont even remember how to and he was a stranger it def wasnt anyone i know maybe its someone ill meet soon idk idc. issue two ima classy heaux you cant fuck me on no old couch. issue three there were old people watching us through the windows now im into some interesting stuff but geriatric voyeurism isnt one of them. when we finished apple pie appeared and we ate it. even in the dream i was more excited about the pie than i was the sex. it was like the most amazing pie ever it was hot and had like a caramel topping and crispy crust with french vanilla ice cream. i think the sex was good i dont really remember but the pie was bangin. anyway once i analyzed the dream it made sense but at first it was just akward.

my next dream i was pregnant and gave birth to a premature baby girl i named Aniyah. she was so small just for fun i wrapped her in blankets and put her in a shoe. ok so thats seems normal right? well the wierd part was that her father was a vampire.....umm yea idk where that came from. i dont like the name Aniyah and im pretty sure i wont be having kids by a vampire.

so my mind is crazy when im awake and even worse when im sleeping.

There aint nothing like the first time

so i asked yall to submit stories about your first time and someone finally did it! took yall long enough dammit i better get some more stories! what are yall scared of? ill put mine up here if i get at least three. anywhore here it is an anonymous tale of passion, pain, and pleasure:

Okay so here's my story. Now I'm 21 years old and I wanted to wait til marriage to have sex, but anyone that knows me that I'm heavily tempted so it was a matter of time before my legs were spread and a penis penetrated my punani lol. It was during the summer time and I was chilling with this dude that I chill with all of the time. Now when me and him chill, we smoke weed and let the day take us wherever it takes us. This particular night, me and my friend smoked some strong weed that was new to us (we usually smoke some good strong stuff, but this shit right here nigga...this shit right here nigga?!?! lol it was some real good shit but I digress). So as he was driving my car back to his house, I was telling him that I was really really fucked up. Now usually when I smoke weed, I'm horny as hell and tend to be very vocal about it, so this wasn't necessarily new, but he knew that I was more fucked up than usual and he said so. 

So we finally pull up to his house and was sitting in my car. I asked him what was he about to do (knowing good and well he was about to get out my car and go inside his house) and of course he said the very thing that I was thinking. So I looked him in the eye and bluntly told him that I wanted to give him head. Now he had been trying for the longest (for reasons I won't disclose lol), and usually I would bullshit him and never do it, so he thought I was just kidding. However I told him you're really gonna walk away from an opportunity to get head? You're a dumb nigga lol and well he thought about it and decided to stay in the car and we drove down the street and around the corner. He put the car in park and I was being stupid and asked him how he was doing and I knew I was making him mad (I find that to be fun lol yeah I'm triflin at times so what?). So he started talkin about how I bullshit him and other nonsense and while he was doin that I unzipped his pants and unleashed the big black snake that gained more strength as it was released from its cage. While this was going on, I slowly put my mouth on his penis and proceeded to give him head...he started to stutter through his lil tangent and began repeating my name (as if I didn't already know it). After that, he picked me up and I told him how I wanted to fuck him for a very long time...no bullshit this time so he put me on top of him. I felt him and the heavens of my punani began to sing lol (that was ratchet), however that didn't last too long because he had to go back home. We picked it up the next day...it started off with head of course...and he enjoyed that shit so much he bent me over and started to stick his big dick in my ass hole. Now I was high, but I wasn't lettin that fly. That shit hurts lol so we went into his room (yeah we was fuckin around at his front door lol ratchet I know) and I laid down and he pounded me with his dick. It was great...it didn't hurt my vagina too much because it got loosened up a little bit (the power of the tongue is blessed lol). So yeah that was pretty much my first time. It wasn't all happy and sappy as people try to make it. It was funny and it was shared with a person that's both my friend and someone I like more than a friend...I wouldn't change it for the world...needless to say we fucked around some more afterwards lol yay for friends with benefits!!

Muffins, Cookies, and Cakes

  yea so this isnt going to be about food....its about ass and titties ass ass titties tittes. does anyone else remember that ridiculous song from like eighth grade? i think it was on south park im not sure i might try to find it anywhore so all women have them breastessess big, small, stretch marked, perky, saggy, long (kevin hart voice: you long titty no nipple havin bitch! that was so funny to me and im waiting to get made at someone and call them that) and of course the booty butt cheeks come go all the way from a flatty to daaaaaammmn she gotta donk.

i for one want breast implants. im currently rocking a 38 DD but would like to be around a 36 E if possible. i wanted a miraculous bra from victoria's secret but that thing only goes up to a 36 C or D which i found very rude. that sounds hella big but my frame can handle it. and that just sounds good. its sad to say but a woman's breasts can have a major affect on her influence over others especially men. i have seen men do the most random outrageous stuff for women just because she had a big rack. and big breast women are good people they have a lot of love in their heart thats why their breasts are so big its holding in all the love in their heart. tell me one mean big titty girl you know.....

the itty bitty titty committee gets love too. they can go braless and no one would be the wiser and some men like small breasts. not everyone wants a girl who looks like shes carrying around the Teton mountains. i mean i call men like that gay but hey i could be wrong. and you can wear those flimsy dress things that your big boobie friends cant pull off. i just like having big ones because i can go to sleep in them and i can use them to hold things like my plate when my hands are full. they are also good pillows and a race track for like your matchbox cars. this girl who im like still in love with from high school had really small ones and she would wear like tank tops with no bra and it wasnt obscene. the problem with big ones is if you take off that bra everyone knows. and some girls have those loose ones where when they lay on their back it rolls under their arm and they get like deodorant marks on them and ohh yea stretch marks for days. there is a point where big boobs are unattractive and just gross. like when they get TOO big its just look uncomfortable and saggy and you know when they get like 50 theyre gonna hit the ground. i get creeped out by those body builder muscular women whose boobs look like a raw steak. and then those loose pudding cup titties women get after a few kids.

booty is important too. its rare to find a girl that has top and bottom. often its one or the other but there are a blessed few who have both. sooo i would tell you what my hips are but umm yea its kinda embarrassing (so im gonna have to start typing these in word and then posting them because u dont understand how bad my spelling is and how many times ive had to use my bb to spell check words) theres the flat one, the inverted ones, the spongebob square booty bitches, the perfectly sticky outty ones, the heart, there are so many different types of bottoms. as far as i know most girls want that mber rose/nicki minaj fatty because thats what appears to attract the most attention.  but sadly we cant all be collard greens and cornbread thick. it would be great though. there are some horribly shaped women in this world but i stand by my belief that there is something beautiful about all women. and if you arent naturally blessed fredericks of hollywood sells hose booty pop things. i would also like a bigger bottom because even though mine is decent im not a fan of the shape. i think all women have things they would like to change. at the end of the day as long as youre happy thats all that matters. i have enough to twerk and look good in leggins so i should just accept what ive been blessed with.

yesterday in the mall this girl was the definition of big booty judy like her ass was so big and went out so far im sure she has to use and arm extension grip thing just to wipe it. im sure she gets a lot of attention and compliments but those girls with the so called "perfect bodies" i often wonder how often they have to question the sincerity of the men that approach them. like when men come up to you like they are basing it purely on physical like you could really suck as a person and they would never know.

if you like it then you shoulda put a ring on.....

so recently a lot of my friends have been discussing marriage. they feel like we are at the point where we need to be getting engaged and on one hand i agree but on the other i dont. like i wanna be engaged because i want a 4.22 carat cushion cut flawless red or white diamond in a platinum setting (if mrs right is reading this take note) but it seems that getting married changes everything about a relationship. my bestie simone seems tho think its the vows that cause everyone to freak out about the changing seriousness of the relationship. the fact that you say til death do us part causes many to go running for the hills. a few people i know in my age group are taking that plunge and it makes you wonder how old is too young to get married? i posed this question to someone before and their answer was when you feel you have done everything you feel you have wanted to. at 21 do you believe that youve had all the sexual partners that you want to? some of my friends are on some kill bill numbers so they may have but others know there are still plenty of booty calls to be made and random ppl to casually date. but there are also ppl who like the idea of being in a committed relationship with one person and having one person that they can consistently rely on to always be there. i feel that women may be ready but a man at 21 is not ready for this one woman. he may in love with you but as soon as he realizes all the new pussy hes missing out on hes gonna freak out. there are men in their 40s who cant get it together to settle down with one woman. my dad has always told me that men are not programmed for monogamy and im slightly inclined to believe this. alas ladies is pimps too go and brush your shoulders off. i do believe that everyone has a soulmate the question is simply when will you be able to make a long term committment. having lived with someone i was in love with i learned that there is a big difference between just being in a relationship with someone and making a major move that forces you to be around them on a consistent basis. (im supposed to be writing a paper now dammit) i feel that committment doesnt have to be hard or scary if you just let the relationship flow the natural way it should. people try to force things into a situation jsut because thats what they think a relationship should be. also stop letting your friends influence you. take their advice but dont let what they say or the structure of their relationship influence what goes on between you and your man. marriage is more than words and a ring. ive never been married so you know take this with a grain of salt but every marriage is like every relationsip dont let everything change just because you said "i do" let that make the love stronger. everything yall did premarriage keep doing it. if tuesday is role play night hell make it tuesday and thursday. let everything expand as you allow your love to grow and bloom

so the whole point of this was getting married young. i dont think im ready just yet. i could be engaged which is a promise that one day we will one day take over the world as the ultimate power couple but right now im having fun going to happy hour with my homies and finding how many girls have undercover lesbian fantansies that they want to explore with someone safe, experienced, and non threatening like oh idk umm me!jk but no seriously you would be shocked at the number of girls who want a college girl on girl experience but i wont give you the details. i like being in a relationship its happy....its safe.....its fun. but marriage is a level of respect for you and our union that im not ready for. things wouldnt change in our marriage that wouldnt be in our relaltionship but since i dont like break ups i dont plan on getting divorced and when i jump the broom i want it to be with the robin to my batman or they can take the lead because when you love someone its give and take and whoever changes my last name with a 4.22 carat diamond i want to make sure that theyre down for the level of craziness that comes from dating me hell just knowing me is a damn adventure so the misses must be something special....

Daily dose of ignorance: LEMME SMANG IT- Yung Humma ft Flynt Flossy

Fat in America

hello im Subway O'Brien and welcome to our CNN special Fat in America. the average american woman wears a size 14 which qualifies as a plus size. approximately 37.2% of americans can be qualified as overweight. blacks and hispanics are at a higher rate of being affected with blacks being 51% of the overweight population and hispanics being 21% which makes sense.....we have the best food. well its by no means healthy but macaroni and cheese and greens or arroz con pollo and plantanos taste a  helluva lot better than......well idk what exactly white people eat....i suppose potato salad with low fat may and carrots and raisins. jk i know what white people eat i did a study i watch them in restaurants and  on trains and lets just say.....yea. im by no means an advocate of being unhealthy. if you are 400 lbs put down the hamhock sandwich and eat a salad and i dont mean one covered in ranch dressing. you can be overweight and healthy its just a matter of changing some of you habits. greens are actually very healthy its the salt pork that kills you. white people love being skinny because that is what they have been conditioned to believe. the first thing most black and hispanic men notice about a woman is what....her booty. thats all cornbread and cabbage not asparagus.

fat people are discriminated against in this country on an extreme level. i mean look at turnstyles. they are just disrespectful. or train seats, park benches, and the absolute Hitler of all to large people stairs. being overweight is one of the few things left that can still be legally discriminated against in hiring. many a time have i had to press up the hill because the shuttle didnt come and i get to the top and have to hold my breath just to preserve what little oxygen i have left and i dont wanna be "that fat girl" huffing and puffing like the big bad wolf but dammit i hauled this _ _ 7 lb body up a hill. that should win like a strong man contest.

now the fat people that piss me off are the ones on the little scooters. get your big ass up and walk you are making us look bad. and ones in too small clothes. they sell plenty of cute clothes in sizes all the way up to 30...idk what you do beyond that size though sorry.

ive been watching whats eating you and these people would rather die of starvation and a host of other health problems that be fat....thats kinda offensive to me but you what battle your demons and ill battle mine. im alive eating ding dongs and youre well dead think about it

i am an advocate of a healthy fat living life style. you can be overweight but still be cute and healthy. im fat by choice. i could be skinny but why so i can look like some damn barbie doll? nope im happy full and a little extra thick. i think the most important thing is to be comfortable in your body. if you arent happy at your weight then you need to change it. women have it a lot harder than guys because honestly there are some assholes out here who try to break down your confidence but you have to ignore them. what they dont know is that having sex with a fat girl like riding a roller coaster or jumping on a moon bounce and they are missing out. and this is my personal opinion but if you have sex with a skinny girl with no kind of curves you actually want a man because a real woman has curves. and when i say skinny i dont mean like a size 6 i mean like a 0 who has the body of a 7 year old boy.....God is judging you.

there are some skinny girls with bodies but uhh this isn't about them. this is about those girls and guys who get told you're really pretty but you're too fat for me. that's just like girls who get told you're cute for a dark skin girl....-_- kill yourself sir. and big boys get discriminated against too. that big man will keep you warm and can probably cook his ass off but you ignore him just because hes an MWT (man with titties for those who dont know) ive been told oh im not sure about you because you have a pretty face and great personality but youre fat ooooook and? i can lose weight but you will be an asshole forever.

now i am against fatsploitation though. some people take it to an extreme beyond chubby chaser. they stuff their women full of food with the hopes of making her as big as possible. this is not a fad its a lifestyle choice that takes a lot of work. there was a woman on Tyra whose husband would stuff her full of food and was trying to get her to 1000 lbs. everyone has a preference but when it becomes a health issue and semi disrespectful it is a problem.

judging someone and their abilities is the same as being racist or homophobic. get to know a person before you decide they are a fat lazy slob or deem them undateable.

something strange for a piece of change

it was a set up that homecoming was right before the first of the month. my rent is due today and my credit card is due the 9th. so as a college student the question often comes up what are you willing to do for money? how much of your self respect are you willing to let go pf in order to be comfortable. a lot of people i know have been donating bone marrow and plasma because it pays well but damn it hurts. and then by some crazy act of irony i heard an ad for amateur night at a strip club. i think every woman has considered stripping at some point in her life. like how can you not be attracted to the idea of simply taking off your clothes and having money thrown at you. all of us are not able *looks at waistline* but if God has blessed you with an extreme amount of stackedness dammit you better get out there and do it with no hands. i know some of you are like no no i cant do that.....why? think about it thats all im saying. you get naked for free everyday why not get paid for it. i mean sure you cant pay your tuition in singles but you can buy groceries. i once saw a stripper paying her phone bill in verizon. how do i know she was a stripper well 1. she was dressed like a whore are 10 in the morning and 2. she paid the whole thing  in singles. thats one reason i hate touching money and never ever put in anywhere near my face. at some point that $1 was in the sweaty ass crack of a stripper.

now prostitution is a whole different story. i def dont support or encourage that but if you are that hard up.......do you boo boo they give free condoms in the health center. ill be your pimp just know i take 20% off the top but ill treat you well lbvs.

i considered starting one of those websites were men pay to watch fat women eat but im not big enough. thats some sick shit though. some men enjoy seeing extremely large women eat a whole box of donuts. what happened to you as a child that you find that sexy? you didnt pray enough clearly.

selling drugs is lucrative but quite dangerous. i mean the towers already looks like The Carter so if anyone is down for some New Jack City go right ahead. DC is already fucked up enough you cant make it that much worse.

sponsors are also quite tempting. hey like wale said "big breast girls never ever pay rent" all lies because i def turned in a check for $699 today and im a proud member of the DD club. there are plenty of old men looking to take care of young girls. one of my moms friends saw  my picture and asked about me needless to say she cussed him out....i was like why mom...if there are porn stars that can be  gay for pay i can be straight for pay. lmao no im not a bird but you know good and well money is the root of all evil but bill collectors are even more evil.

i know the obvious answer to money problems is find a job but  you know what this isnt about what makes sense this is about how far are you willing to go for a dollar. eff a klondike bar what would you do for some cash?

this goes to the break up post not the mario song sorry for the confusion

i need your help!!!

email me your stories about your first time or why you havent lost it yet! i want the good, the bad, and the funny....all submissions will be posted anonymously. you can even make up a fake email address to send it to me from so i dont know its you but lets talk about this! crackcakequestions@gmail.com do it now heaux!

catch me when i fall love me draws and all

so its not really a secret but i dont like wearing underwear. i just find them constricting and unnecessary. but i do like buying them. there are so many to choose from its great especially if youre a girl. there is everything from sexy g strings to granny panties....

i hate granny panties like look at the name why are you wearing these? you are foolish and prematurely aging yourself. like what are you trying to smuggle in your underwears?

i dont understand g strings just dont wear any like a single piece of string between your cracks isnt really doing much. what do they even do like just catch discharge? take yo nasty ass to the doctor and take care of that and just go commando.

i like thongs i dont wear them but i like girls who do.i understand these more than i do g strings

i live for boy shorts. they are great and they cup the booty so nicely.

now mens underwear is a different story. i used to work in a mens department and men used to come buy these male thongs and i would just crings at the idea of some mans hairy balls being cradled by a flimsy piece of material. and i dont even wanna think about their poor taints being suffocated.

briefs are not attractive on guys. tighty whiteys just scream im not getting any. im glad they make them though because i bought some trill ass superman and batman ones and i put on a cape and......ok thats none of your business. i need to get some more.

boxer briefs are great i have a million pair and this seems to be the best look on most buys. they arent as snug as briefs and cup the boys appropriately. they also give some length on the leg for guys who dont like to pull up their pants

i know yall are like why didnt i post some pics of guys in their underwear..... so here you go you trollops 

boxers are so 1997. i dont even see guys wearing those anymore. i guess maybe fat boys like them for the breathing room though

lmao this had no point i just didnt have any clean underwear this morning and this inspired this